On February 26, I put this status update on Facebook:
Anne G McWilliams is calling out to the universe for a grant of $3500.00 for Spanish language school in Guatemala. Grant or promissory note with interest, to be repaid on 9/9/09.
I told my story to two churches: feeling that I am called to this ministry of chaplaincy, and wanting to be able to converse and pray freely with patients whose first language is Spanish. The most efficient way to do this is by immersion in Spanish language over a long period of time. I made a budget for five weeks, all the time I could afford to be away from my family and other obligations.
This is not the first time I have done this kind of fundraising for mission. As a college senior, thirty years ago, in 1979, I was exploring the possibility of becoming a missionary. I signed up with an organization that had a summer mission and learning program called Volunteers in Mission.
I had to raise all of the money to go for the summer to Bolivia. I was terrified. This was my first time to own a passport, to fly in a jet (I had a single-engine flight lesson for my 17th birthday), to exchange money, to get lots of vaccinations. I visited churches, told my story, and requested their support. I learned a lot about public speaking. I began to see the glimmers of my eventual ministries of education and pastoral care. I took hundreds of photos for slides. I returned to all of the churches that gave me support, and I reported to them about my experiences. Does anyone else remember slide presentations in the dark, missionaries visiting to tell stories of far-away people and places? What an amazing experience it was!
One thing I learned in my Bolivia trip fundraising 30 years ago is that people want to support good work in the world. Very often, individuals would like to be more engaged in the world, but they lack the means or health or energy to go themselves, and they are glad to vicariously take part in the experience. Churches want to take part in global outreach and to see their own members move to the rhythms of G-d's claims upon their lives.
As a campus minister and a professor, I saw many students move on to different ways of being in ministry in the world. I felt that vicarious welling up of emotion, for the joy they felt in being able to realize their dreams, too. I know what it is like, what it means.
I am blessed to report that I did not have to get a loan, although Margaret Pengilly just called with confirmation that the United Methodist Women of Broadway UMC, would approve a loan with low interest, to be repaid, for my Guatemala trip -- wow, abundance piled upon abundance!
My gifts and my limitations in realizing this call to language school are both due to my being unemployed since July 2008. I have the time to go, while I wait for confirmation of a one-year residency with a salary. What I do lack is the cash flow to pay for the preparation myself.
My appeal to the Universe is, in my way of thinking, an act of faith, knowing that times are hard everywhere. There is the risk that if I somehow misinterpreted the sense of call, the Universe might have other things in mind, I might very well have to cancel the plans or borrow the money. Because of my commitments at home, and a sense of tension between personal autonomy and familial sacrifice, I have pledged to live without debt and to not call upon my family for this money. Therefore, if nothing came of my appeal, I would simply not go. But, my sense of call is very strong, and I moved forward as if I would go, despite the risk of falling flat.
I have done nothing directly to encourage this kind of faith-act, which is why I see it as Grace beyond my deserving. I have to admit, I don't have a regular practice of asking G-d for stuff for myself. I am not inclined to see Providence at work, I am very stubborn like that. I pray with others for G-d to bless them, and I certainly do see the presence of Providence in others.
I'm not a name it and claim it kind of believer. Some think I'm impious, or missing out on something good, because I don't see G-d's hand in every single good thing that happens. I'm more of a process theology person, that we co-create with G-d. So, this kind of appeal is sort of how I want things to work when I do ask for something. It's a kind of test, a fleece [Hebrew Bible story, Gideon], if you will: if this comes through, then that's a confirmation that I have the right idea, and someone else agrees with me, and that's how it works. I've had too much good blow up in my face to think I'm somehow specially blessed to have good gifts fall upon me willy-nilly. That's not false modesty. I realize I am a privileged person with a lot of resources -- just no cash flow at the moment. I believe this kind of appeal is an act of faith, and if I may be so bold, this is the business of the church in the world -- to empower the people to get out and do the work, even in a monetary sense.
Another reason this is an act of Grace is that I do not do well emotionally with letting Rachel support me in these months of unemployment. I fret, I stew, I have periods of low self-esteem for not being able to find a good job, for feeling as if my gifts and abilities are invisible or I am not doing a good job of explaining them to potential employers.
I try to relax and let this time of unemployment teach me its lessons. I realize how fretting undercuts the gift that I do have in a loving spouse who believes in me and is willing to bear the burdens of our household during this spell of drought. For me to yield to pride and perfectionism would be to miss this blessing of sharing abundance, both at home and in my community of faith.
[In my moments of clarity, I also have to accept the systemic biases that exist against my age and possibly my gender: women over 50 tend to be in job searches an average of 18 months. Being white, I'm supposed to be on the lower side of that average. As my own calendar counts up toward ten months at the end of my course in Guatemala, I realize I am fitting into the national averages. Does not feel good at all.]
I am grateful to two churches in whose history persons left bequests designated for mission and service in the world and whose mission and vision for membership giving includes education for ministry and service:
I mention first Broadway United Methodist Church because they have supported my Guatemala language school experience coming up in a couple of weeks. Broadway UMC is the church of my immediate and extended family, and I am held in membership there. I love this congregation. They live by faith that they are in obedience to G-d's call to them in so many ways, extending an extravagant hospitality truly to everyone as beloved children of G-d. Two different funds at Broadway agreed with different portions of my proposal: one part education for ministry, and one for mission in the US and abroad. [One day, the United Methodist Church will join the UCC and the Disciples of Christ in authorizing lesbians, gay men, and all who are called by G-d. Until then, there are many, many thousands of us living in two worlds. This is how I am called to be in the world.]
First Congregational UCC is supporting me for the Nicaragua mission in July. I have qualified for their scholarship, and I have to make a matching payment: Broadway UMC's grant is covering this match!
In the UCC, I have found a home with rich traditions in its lineages. And, to top off all the spiritual meaning of becoming a covenant member of a UCC congregation: the UCC and I are the same age -- born in 1957 -- we will be 52 this year, Happy Birthday to Us! My covenant membership with Cross Creek UCC in Dayton, OH, has been transferred to FCUCC now -- kind of sad, a leave-taking with finality in one sense; they first endorsed me for ordination before I moved here. [Ordination is not an option for me in the United Methodist Church.]
FCUCC has welcomed me into membership and endorsed me to the Southeast Association Board of Ministry, to be received into care for ordination. I am ready to meet with the Board on April 5, to have that conversation about proceeding with the steps into ordination. And, I continue to wait to know more about a residency year for chaplaincy certification.
Thanks to memorial funds and designations in the budgets at both churches, I have been granted all the funds I need to go to language school in Guatemala, and to travel to Nicaragua with FCUCC in July. Why do I feel so surprised and amazed? Because: I asked; we held conversations, they discerned with me; we listened to G-d's call and response. They gave their gifts. Gifts are like that: they bring joy and surprise, and they express love.
I am grateful to both churches. Thirty years ago, the college student raised the funds for Bolivia, and brought back slides to show her sponsors. This year, 2009, I anticipate putting together not a slide show, but a PowerPoint or iMovie presentation to share over the internet and in small groups. I already have an engagement to go to the Broadway Workers class to give a report about my trip to Guatemala!
Yes, and Thank You,
Anne
